


DBZ AU One-Shots

by Aladayle



Category: Dragon Ball, DragonBallZ, Dragonball Xenoverse
Genre: AU of my stuff, And he knows all the right buttons to press, Blood, Dragonball Xenoverse - Freeform, Extremely Dubious Consent, F/M, Frieza enjoys psychological torture, Frieza needs eyebleach, Poor Frieza, Rape/Non-con Elements, Saiyan Ceremony, Time Patrol, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:07:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26275378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aladayle/pseuds/Aladayle
Summary: This will have one-shots from my various DBZ fic ideas. AUs, ideas I never had cause to use, or things I might later put into other fics.
Relationships: Frieza/Eyebleach, Frieza/OC, Raditz/OC, cooler/oc
Comments: 5
Kudos: 10





	1. Regalia AU (Raditz/OC) - The Father Of Her Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU of Regalia, written without the X-reader bit to make it less confusing. You should probably have read most of Regalia to understand why Lima is the way she is here.
> 
> Raditz muses on why Lima chose him as a mate, thinks of how he met and got close to her son, and participates in a saiyan ceremony with the boy.

### Regalia AU - Raditz/OC

Raditz had felt lucky many times since this whole Time Patrol thing started, but nothing compared to finding his mate. 

At first, maybe, he was confused. She was stronger than him, but wanted to know some of his techniques, as had become the practice with everything going on with the Time Patrol. There'd been a stream of people wanting to know his attacks, Vegeta's attacks, Frieza's...the list went on and on. 

But she'd stuck around after that, insisted on more training sessions. And it was at one of these training sessions that he'd met her son. 

Siberius. A boy of three or four, who looked every inch a saiyan save for the horns on his head. Clearly an influence of his father. He'd asked who the boy's father was and all Lima had said was, "An Arcosian." 

And that was that. She wouldn't tell him any more. Not a hint, not a word of the man's identity was given, and attempts at asking further were only met with narrowed eyes and the threat of a fist in his eye. She had apparently not been able to find someone to watch the boy, so he would join them, sitting on the sidelines and watching them fight. 

In the end, he decided it didn't matter who the kid's father was, that maybe Lima didn't know. Maybe she had fucked her way through a whole family of Arcosians and not known who was the father. Such a thing wasn't unheard of in saiyan circles when the season came in July. 

And with that over, they trained together, with her boy watching curiously and sometimes asking questions. Why did she punch him then? Why not before? Why hit him on the chin? 

But before he could remark that he questioned fighting too much for being part saiyan, the boy's questions turned to Raditz himself. "Why your hair so long? Why you so big?" 

He wasn't going to answer. But one look from Lima gave him the very obvious hint that he better answer her precious boy and he better do it _now_. 

"I was born with my hair that way. All saiyans are." 

"Mine's not," the boy said. "It _grows_." 

"You're only half saiyan," Raditz said, "If you were full saiyan, your hair would never change except when you got old." 

"Oh. Why you so big?" There was a pause, and then Siberius's head tilted. "Bigger than mama." 

"I don't know, I just grew that way." 

"Oh." 

Then he went back to watching them. 

After that...everything seemed to move so quickly. It started with July--Lima proposed that he share her bed for the month. Not out of any attachment to him, of course, but merely because being saiyan, he would suffer less from her attentions. He wouldn't be getting children out of this, but he'd be getting laid, so this seemed perfect. It had been such a long time. 

And she fucked like a madwoman, as if his cock would disappear if she let it out of her sight. 

It took him half the month to realize she was always on top of him...though as soon as the thought crossed his mind she'd lowered herself onto him again and suddenly it didn't matter anymore. Let her have control, his cock was getting wet, so what did it matter? 

Then July was over, and he stayed around. The boy started following him about, asking him more and more. Where did he live? Was he going to see mama more? Was he going to spend the night again? Could he bring presents? 

Could he train him? 

"Your f--mother should do that," Raditz replied, looking up in Lima's direction. 

"I am," she said quickly, "But he keeps asking for you." 

There was a pause, and then the boy spoke up. 

"Mama," Siberius said, starting to squirm, "You're holding me too tight." 

"Sorry, sweetheart." Lima kissed his cheek, and smiled. Then she looked back to Raditz. "He wants to train with a boy. He says I'm a girl and he'd rather have a boy." 

"And you chose me?" 

_You're weak enough not to seriously harm him_ , the thought came. That had to be it. 

That, or Lima wanted him on his back again. 

He expected to hate it, honestly--training the boy. But he found that instead, he loved it. Siberius listened, really listened, watched him--and soon enough the fascination turned to starry eyed admiration. The boy couldn't wait to start his training sessions, which went from twice a week to every day. And not long after that, he was allowed to stay with the boy when Lima went off on a short Time Patrol job. 

It was during a training session taking place while Lima was away that Raditz finally asked the question he'd been wondering the answer to for some time. 

"Where is your papa, Siberius?" 

"No papa," the boy shook his head. 

Then he looked up. 

"Can you be my papa?" 

* * *

Raditz didn't float the idea to Lima for some time, not until late one evening after a long ride, but when he did, he saw her go pale. 

"Why do you ask?" 

"A boy needs a father," he said, "And since we're still a thing--" 

"But we might not be," she replied, doubt creeping into her voice, "Not--permanently, I mean. Suppose you grow bored of me? I don't want him--I don't want you to step into and out of his life. Our lives. I don't want him hurt." 

"I have no interest in hurting either of you that way." Raditz crossed his arms, "If I have to claim you as a mate to prove I want you both, I will." 

"Or," Lima said quietly, "I could claim you." 

She gave him a look then, not only desire, but longing as well. 

"I like the sound of that." 

July had been good to them both, she overlooked his weakness, and somehow, she was the closest he'd ever felt to feeling... 

...like a man who could have a family. 

She curled close then, almost smiling, before moving over him... 

...and turning them so he was now atop her. 

* * *

Siberius was five when they held the little ceremony. 

"Do saiyans really do this?" 

"Yes," Raditz said. He was sitting cross-legged, a bowl in front of him, and Siberius on the other side of the bowl, seated the same way. Lima sat a little distance away, watching, with bandages and alcohol swabs ready. 

Siberius nodded, and held his left hand over the bowl. He took the knife and made a cut, between his thumb and index finger, and watched to make sure that the blood that welled up dripped into the bowl. 

Then he picked up the bowl, looking at his blood in the bottom--and tossed the bowl over his left shoulder, saying the words he had been coached on. 

"You are no longer my father or my blood. I cast you aside, for the nothing that you now are." 

Raditz then cut his hand with the same knife, and Lima came forward with the bandages. She dabbed at both wounds, and covered them up. 

"There," she said, giving a smile to Siberius, "He is your real papa now." 

The boy hugged them both. And only then did Raditz realize that the tension Lima had displayed since he'd met her--the tension she had apparently been holding for so long--had melted away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _He will never be strong enough to take my son from me_ , Lima thought.


	2. Rarest Pet AU (Frieza/OC) - The Devil You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kale (not the Super one) thinks as the crew wonders who to get to fill the last slot on their team for the Tournament of Power. And however afraid she is, there is only one answer to it. Him.
> 
> Frieza.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: noncon/dubious consent. In other words, pay attention to the new tags.
> 
> I had originally planned to do this in the main fic, but given how shit I am at fight scenes and how many there are in the ToP, that isn't going to happen. This idea kept popping up though, so here we are.
> 
> "The Rarest Pet," for those of you who haven't read it, takes place in the timeline with Trunks' crapsack future, but I've made it so 17 and 18 are there because this isn't here to rewrite the ToP.

### Rarest Pet AU - Frieza/OC

Whis stood silently, watching the chaotic listing that the group was doing. One by one they were speaking of people--people not fit for the tournament, but those who could at least fight in _some_ way. If they knew the strength that awaited them, they would never suggest Namekians they hardly knew. Piccolo was one thing, but the others? They were decently strong, but still, not on the same level as Roshi or Krillin. A sad thing to think. They had time; thankfully his father the Grand Priest had been able to talk Lord Zeno into delaying things for another twelve hours. There was that mercy, at least. 

It was then that the saiyan woman had come to him, one who had volunteered for this early on. She had a glass of wine in her hand as she walked, and was practically guzzling it. By the time she reached him it was gone. 

"Whis," she said quietly, taking a long, deep breath, "Would you be able to bring me to King Yemma?" 

"Why do you ask?" he turned, taking in her stance. She was trembling, if slightly, and when his eyes met hers she looked quickly away. 

"I know of someone who can fill the spot," Kale replied quietly, "But he's dead. Will that be a problem?" 

"No," Whis replied, "You're certain he would be strong enough to take the spot? That he would agree to it?" 

"He's in hell. He'll do anything to get out of there, I know him better than anyone." 

"Very well." Whis nodded, and called over to Lord Beerus that he would return shortly. 

And off they went. 

* * *

Whis left her to make the rest of the journey herself, insisting that he would stay at Yemma's check-in station until the two of them returned. 

As she walked across the field of yellow flowers, Kale had to wonder if he knew what she had planned. 

The field stretched on forever, with (trunks of wood? She wasn't sure) twisting up towards the oceanic sky. Only one other thing was here--an enormous sakura tree in full pink bloom. And from one of the higher branches hung a cocoon, twisting and swaying. She headed straight for it, clenching her fists. 

_I should be screaming._

The cocoon's back was facing her as she reached up, pointing a ki blast at the support of it. It fell hard, exploded... 

And Frieza, with his back to her, stood from the remnants, tilting his head and cracking his neck. The world flashed dark, the sky an angry purple and the sakura leaves drifting downward around him. 

"Lord Beerus requests your presence," Kale said quickly, before Frieza could speak, "There is a tournament being held by those who rule over him." 

"And he asked for me?" 

"He wanted the strongest warriors. There are other universes competing for survival, and without enough, ours would likely be destroyed right off--" 

"You didn't answer my question." Frieza's voice was icy, and hard. "Did he ask for me?" 

Kale tripped on the word. She didn't _want_ to say no, because then he'd _know_. If he didn't already. 

"No," she finally forced out. "He didn't." 

In her mind's eye Kale could already see the smirk tugging upward at his lips, could imagine the smugness in his mind. Of course, he would be thinking. Of course. 

"Such a fuss you put up," Frieza chuckled, finally turning around to face her, "You wanted your freedom. You helped that monkey come to Earth, helped him to kill me. You trained to prevent yourself from becoming weak enough to fall under my power again, even though I was gone. You swore you would never be weak again, that you would not even think of me, I imagine." 

She had looked away the second he started moving, and even now wouldn't meet his eyes. He circled around as he spoke, until she was between the tree and him. 

"And yet..." 

Footsteps again. 

"And yet when the gods play their games and your life is on the line, where does that fear lead you? Back to safety. Back to me." 

Kale forced herself to look up, to meet his eyes directly. He looked just as smug as she'd imagined; the spark was in his eyes and the smirk was on his lips. He knew--he _knew_ , and he hadn't even needed to lift a finger. 

"Will you fight or not?" 

"On one condition. That you guarantee my revival after the fighting is done." 

He assumed they would win. Of course he did. 

"You know I can't promise that," Kale replied. She briefly explained the super dragon balls, and suggested, "If you are so sure your presence will win the day, you can use them yourself to do the job." 

"You are not making this deal very attractive. Come now, what is the incentive for me? What reason do I have to leave this place and fight _your_ fight? Oblivion would be better than this hell, after all." 

A pause. He looked up at the tree. 

"You and I should be on better terms. After all, we shall be spending an eternity together." 

"No, we won't. When Yemma sends me down, I plan to repent and move on." She took a few steps away from him, toward the trunk of the tree. The less she looked at him, the better. 

"And lose all memory before being shunted into the next life? Calla, that is not you." 

All the air rushed out of Kale's lungs when she felt Frieza's arms circle her waist and his head coming to rest on her shoulder. 

The next breath was sharp. 

"You knew my price the instant you thought to come here yourself," he purred in her ear, grip tightening, "Else you would have made sure Goku came for me. No, Calla, you wanted to come here yourself, because _you knew you could persuade me_." 

"My name is not--" 

His grip tightened again. There was a slight series of cracks as Kale shifted. 

"I don't want to hurt you." 

When his hands moved to her shoulders and shoved down, she didn't fight. Common sense battled with cold logic. If all it cost to bring him in, to save the universe, was her-- 

\--but if she fell, again-- 

Shoulder against the tree. Rustle of clothes, breeze on skin. Silk-soft hand pressing on the spot where her tail had once been. The spot he knew to exploit when he wanted things to be...easier...for him. 

Somewhere else. 

Kale took a deep breath and imagined, as hard as she could, that she wasn't there. She wasn't here, this was just a nightmare she was having. She'd had them before, after all. 

Her body jerked, but she didn't make a sound.

Somewhere else. 

"Good girl," his voice drifted down, malevolent and gleeful, "Isn't this better?" 

One hand stayed where her tail had been, pressing, stroking, while the other clutched at her elbow, using her arm like a rein. 

Silence. Silence and compliance. That was the way to handle this; he would finish soon, he'd be bored, and-- 

And then, between both their legs his tail threaded up--to coil its end in a small loop around her neck. 

Its hold tightened, slowly, and the strokes over her tail's scar turned to burning pain. Kale gasped--or tried to, anyway, but his tail tightened further, and prevented it. 

"All I asked for was your body," his voice sounded off, hard and unforgiving, "One brief point in time to save your miserable hide. One insignificant romp, as we used to have. Is it so hard for you to pretend to enjoy it? Is that _really_ too much for your feeble brain to comprehend? But you forgot the most important thing I ever taught you-- _who you are_." 

She couldn't answer. The faster her heart raced and the more he burned her scar, the more she tried to breathe. And the more she failed. 

"You," Frieza snarled, "Are mine. Mine, Calla, do you hear me?" 

He moved faster, and faster still, and the grey tunnel was rising up around her when her body seized and her inner walls contracted around him. The unwilling fire sparked and spread--his tail uncoiled then, and she was too busy gasping to pay attention to anything else. 

But Frieza didn't stop until a minute or two later, when his own end struck. He pushed as deep as he could go... 

...and spilled into her. 

After a handful of seconds, he hauled her up and sat back, holding her in his arms. Brushing his dark lips over the bruising that was forming on her neck. 

"I didn't want to do that," he whispered, "I haven't got the choker to cover it up for you now. What your husband will think!" 

She didn't answer. He would hate her, he would have to, he _should_...but all she could think was what would have happened if she hadn't come here. They could lose everything. 

"A jealous man, is he?" he slipped his left hand down over her own, and fiddled with her ring. "Some rich bastard, I imagine." 

"I've never given him reason to be," she replied quietly. "And no. He's--middle class, and I love him." 

There was a pause. She tried to ignore the disgusting dampness between her legs. There would be time for a shower, plenty of time. 

"You don't love him," Frieza smirked, finally withdrawing from her, "You _need_ him. Not because he won't hurt you, but because he _**can't**_." 

Shaking, Kale stood and adjusted her clothes. 

If she won the day, if she was the last to be standing...the thing she would ask for, the thing she wanted most from the dragon, was memory of him gone. 

* * *

She had not, in fact, won the day. That honor had gone to 17--entirely unexpected, but still deserved. His wish had been to restore the destroyed universes--which was, apparently, the correct answer. 

It didn't matter. When they returned to Earth, she'd ask Bulma and get around to collecting the dragon balls and finally get that demon out of her head forever. 

A decision made all the more urgent when Whis revived him. 

Frieza smirked, turning his gaze in her direction, before passing back to Goku. 

He was alive. Alive. 

She remembered what he'd said about Goku, when he came to Earth. 

_I'll never be able to sleep in this cosmos knowing that I share it with you._


	3. Rarest Pet AU (Frieza/OC) - I Never

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the crapsack future, Kale plays a drinking game with Bulma, Gohan, and Dr. Briefs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in an attempt to stave off another AU spinoff fic. I have too many as it is. 
> 
> In this AU, Kale was willing.

### TRP AU (Frieza/OC) - I Never

Trunks was gone on his trip to the past, and with hopes high, it felt appropriate to celebrate a little. 

Dr. Briefs brought out a few bottles of wine and glasses and passed them around. 

"We really shouldn't be drinking," Gohan said, "What if the androids--?" 

"They're in New York, or something," Kale poured herself a generous glass and took a deep inhale of the wine's scent. "It would take them a while to get here, however they chose to do it. Eighteen will probably stay there a while just for the clothes. Even after they showed up, the fashion scene's still going pretty strong." 

"Or will, up until she or Seventeen destroy the place. Pity, I used to love trips out that way..." Bulma grumbled. "Hey, we're trying to have a good time. What a bout a game?" 

"Oh no you don't," Dr. Briefs laughed, "You know how you are when you get to drinking during party games." 

"Oh, come on...one game. That's it." 

"As long as it's not--" 

"--I never!" 

Gohan sighed, but reached for the glass he was poured. "At least it's a game that doesn't require a lot of thinking." 

"Easy to play drunk," Bulma winked. "I'll start. Let's see...I never fought your father." 

"That's not fair," Gohan grumbled, but took a sip of the wine, and Kale soon followed. 

"She's trying to get us drunk, boy. We better watch her." 

"Perhaps I should return the favor." Gohan looked halfway devious for a moment, then said, "I never had sex." 

Everyone else had to take a drink, but they laughed. 

"Now that really isn't fair," Bulma replied, "You know it's not." 

"Rules are rules," Gohan shrugged, "Don't blame me for following them. And if you keep picking sex ones, I'll be the only one not getting drunk." 

"How about this, then," Kale cut in, "I never went to Namek." 

Bulma and Gohan took a sip. 

"That's a good one," Bulma said. "Dad, do you have any?" 

"I never carry cash?" Dr. Briefs laughed, "Sorry, I try, but I'm no good at this. This head's for the lab and the business and pretty well nothing else." 

Gohan and Kale and Bulma all had to take a drink. 

"This is just going to turn into us screwing each other over," Kale said, "Maybe we could avoid that by going weirder?" 

"I never went to the moon," Bulma said, "There, no one can do that one." 

"Less outrageous." 

"I never fired a gun," Kale put up. 

Bulma and her father both took a drink. 

"More outrageous," Gohan spoke up. "This is getting fun." 

"I never--ah--had relations outdoors," Dr. Briefs said, trying to keep it clean. 

Bulma and Kale took a drink. 

"A lot?" Bulma asked. 

"You'd never believe how much," Kale smirked. "Less outrageous." 

"I never drank anything that cost more than a thousand zeni a glass." 

Bulma, Dr. Briefs, and Kale each took a drink. 

"More outrageous!" Dr. Briefs called jovially. "I never saw another planet in person!" 

Everyone else dranks. 

A few minutes later, all of them were more than a little pickled. The highs were getting higher, and more sexual. 

"I never fucked Vegeta," Kale laughed. "Drink, Bulma. Fill your glass again." 

"I never fucked a woman--" 

"I never took it up the--" 

"Ladies, please, there are little ears nearby," Dr. Briefs said, casting a laughing glance in Gohan's direction. 

"Ha ha." 

"I never fucked Frieza!" 

Kale drank, and there was dead silence. 

"What?" 

"You--you mean you, you actually..." Bulma started. 

"Gross," Gohan's nose wrinkled up, "I'm done, I don't need to hear any more. I'm--I'm going to bed." 

He got to his feet and stumbled out of the room. 

"I did," Kale spoke, not seeming to have notice Gohan had left. 

"Why?" Bulma's eyes were wide, "He was--he was--I mean, you saw him!" 

"You ever fuck somebody that hated your guts and hated everything about you, but _still_ wanted to fuck you?" Kale asked, "You should try it, it's the best sex you'll ever have." 

"I have done that," Bulma gave a sad little smile, "It was wonderful." 

Dr. Briefs got up then. Not out of being tired of the game, but rather, remembering that he'd failed to check up on some notes. The drunker he got, the more his attention would wander. 

"What was he like?" 

"Rough," Kale grinned, "He couldn't seem to keep his hands off me. His quarters, mine, vacation planets, conquered planets...when he thinks he owns you, he likes to claim you anywhere and everywhere. No one's ever been as eager as he was, and I grew up on Planet Vegeta. Most saiyans can fuck you senseless, but Frieza was the first time I was sure I wouldn't be able to get up and walk back to my quarters." 

"Sounds like a lot of fun." 

"He was." 

Until he'd died. But with a guy like Frieza, it was always going to end that way. 

Still, she had a lot of material to fantasize with in her room late at night.


	4. Regalia AU (Cooler/OC) - Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cooler makes a different decision.

### Regalia AU (Cooler/OC) - Stay

Brisk. 

"Brisk," she said softly, stroking the purple little face, "I like the name." 

She was tired, tired but happy, and relieved to a degree she had never known she could feel. Cooler had moved up beside her, and she was leaning against him, looking down at Brisk's face. 

"Purple all over," she laughed weakly, "Our little grape." 

Cooler had given her a few extra minutes. Stay, he'd said. A little bit longer. 

But time moved along, and after feeding the little one, burping him, changing him, she finally handed Brisk off to him, and got out of bed. 

"Are you going to have a go in the healing tanks again?" Cooler asked. 

"No," Lima said quietly, "I thought I would--go." 

Silence. She stood there, with her back to him. It would be easier, she told herself. It would be easier if she didn't look back. If she looked back, she would never be able to leave. Cooler would have to have her removed, and it would break her heart even more than it already was. 

"Lima--" 

"You told me it was going to be this way," she said, "You love me, but you can't keep me here. You can't let anyone know I'm really his mother, that you didn't just use me to carry him." 

"Just a little longer." 

"Keeping me here another few minutes, or hours, or days, isn't going to change anything. You know you're going to make me leave. He's your only child, and I'm a saiyan nobody." 

She took another step, and Cooler got out of the bed, Brisk held closely with his right arm. 

"Stay," he said suddenly. "I don't want you to go." 

She wanted nothing more than to stay. To take her son in her arms and bask in the glow of love and motherhood. 

...but he had already told her she had to leave for Brisk's own good, and if she was to leave she would rather do it right away. She would rather feel all the pain now, get it over with, than have it hanging overhead and casting a dark cloud over what should be joyous. 

"Please don't make this harder than it has to be. You're already taking him from me, taking everything from me--do you have to--do you have to make me hope when you know you're going to shove me off?" 

Silence, again. 

"I'm not going to," Cooler said suddenly. His voice was stronger, a little harder, "I'm not going to make you leave. You're going to stay." 

"Cooler--" 

"I know I'll regret it every moment if I do send you off," he said, "What would I say to him? That I deprived him of someone who would love him because she wasn't titled?" 

Wild hope rose up, despite how she tried to squash it. What if he changed his mind? 

"What about your father? What if--" A worse fear appeared, "What if he threatens Brisk?" 

"I'll talk to Frieza." Cooler held Brisk a little closer, smiling and letting the boy grab his finger, "I'm happier commanding an army than I am ruling a people. He can have the crown." 

She turned back, trembling. 

"You would--you would give it all up for me?" 

"For us," Cooler replied, "All three of us." 

He tugged his finger away and Brisk started to make unhappy noises. Then he gave a little smile, and handed the baby to Lima. 

"He wants his mother," he said. "Lima...I meant what I've been saying these last months. I love you." 

He kissed her forehead, and lifted her chin, smiling. 

"Stay."


	5. Backwater AU - (Frieza/Eyebleach) - The Rum Tum Tugger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frieza goes out with Maron to see Cats and sees a thing on stage he wishes he never saw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm toying with an idea...
> 
> Very short one, light on the editing. So kind of messy :p
> 
> The Stanley Allyn Owen Tugger video seems to fit better voicewise than the '98 Partridge so that's what I watched more for this.

### The Rum Tum Tugger

"Why do you keep dragging me out to these?" Frieza grumbled, sitting in his front row seat and looking up at the stage. "I don't like theater of this kind, and certainly not this close up." 

"It's fun." Maron giggled, adjusting the weird headdress she'd bought outside. It looked oddly like a lion's mane and covered her blue hair. "I wanted us to see something--fantastical, you know! Something that'll take us--somewhere else! I've seen this show a million times and trust me, you want to be in the front row." 

"I have a spaceship, I can show you the moon. Isn't that good enough 'somewhere else'?" 

He didn't argue any further, though. The lights were going down, and the stage was lit. And ready. 

Cats. He'd seen the recorded stage show, but never actually gone to a performance of it. Maron had insisted, though, had practically begged him to get the tickets. So he had, and was now wondering just what he'd gotten himself into. 

He refused to wear any face paint or get any costume or anything, but Maron... 

Oh well. He didn't claim to really understand her. Or anything she wanted. But she'd get it, and he'd TRY to understand. 

"...or Coricopat...names that never belong to more than one cat..." 

It was almost a silent song, in comparison to the bombastic nature of the others. He admittedly zoned out when the Gumbie cat song came along, but the loud music of the dance sequence of the roaches brought him out of it. And then-- 

\--"Meow." 

There was something about the Rum Tum Tugger that made Frieza pause. He studied him--that tail was too long, the visible skin too... 

"If you offer me pheasant, I'd rather have _grouse_." 

No... 

The actor strutted, swinging his hips from side to side as he moved across the stage. The actresses on stage playing the kittens following, mesmerized by the way he moved. 

"...if you set me on a rat, then I'd rather chase a mouse." 

Purple hands. No matter what kind of headdressing they gave him, that biogem could still be seen, too. Every detail he looked for, hoping to disprove his theory only confirmed it. 

That Rum Tum Tugger was his _own father_. 

"Frieza, don't look so sick," Maron whispered. "What's wrong?" 

"You don't see it?" 

"Shhh!" 

He had no choice but to stare now, though. 

"...I like to lie in a bureau drawer...but I make such a fuss if I can't get out!" 

Pelvic thrusting. Again. The movie hadn't had this much of it! Why the hell did it have to-- 

He came out to some woman in the front row four or five seats down from where he and Maron were. Somehow, he hadn't seen them--some woman he pulled to her feet, and danced with her 

But finally, the song did come to a close. 

"...for he will do as he do do..." 

A turn. Frieza's eyes were locked on his father, despite how ill he felt looking at the man. 

"...and there's no doing anything abouuuuuuuuuuuuuuut--" 

Kitten mewling from the lady singers. 

"...abouuuuuuuuuu..." 

More mewling. 

Frieza took a deep breath. The horror show was almost over. 

"...oooooouuuuuouuuuuuuuuoooUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU--" 

One women kept going on, was shushed, and then blown a kiss. She feigned a faint. 

"About it!" 

The show went on to Grizabella from there, but Frieza could certainly not forget what he'd just seen. Never before had he understood the need or want for "eye bleach." But now...oh, now, he wanted a gallon of it. 

* * *

Frieza got home late that night with Maron. They'd had a late-night snack at some gastropub, topped it off with a few drinks, and then he'd flown her home in what he'd thought was a grand romantic gesture. That had worked for all of about two blocks, until she started feeling sick. They'd walked the rest of the way after that. 

When he got off the elevator to their floor, he saw his father, two doors down, fiddling with his keys. 

He let Maron go in, and then looked at his father. 

"So...theater, then?" 

"What?" his father sounded tired, and he _never_ sounded that way. "Oh, you heard." 

"I saw," Frieza replied, "I wasn't aware you were acting at all, much less...imitating a horny tomcat on stage. Of all the roles you could've picked, WHY that one?" 

"I didn't ask for it, I auditioned for--Munkustrap. The--grey one. They gave me the other one. Is this going to be a problem? Are you going to mock me?" 

"No. I just want some warning so I don't go in somewhere and have to see my own father pelvic thrusting anywhere near my general direction." 

"Oh. Right. I'll let you know." 

"You look terrible, by the way." 

"I've been at the theater all day. I FEEL terrible." 

* * *

That was his secret, why he enjoyed playing Tugger. He hated being himself. The theater let him be someone cocky and confident again. Someone beyond the reach of self-consciousness. He'd never be able to thank that woman enough for starting him in those theater classes... 

He just hoped no one else he knew would see the show. More interrogations like this were the last thing he needed.


End file.
